I Didn't Order Crumbl Last Night!
Updated: Jan 26, 2020
At one point, I even had the cookies in my cart and was paying for it and stopped myself. Truth be told, it required the code on my debit card, but that was enough to brake the trance, the tractor beam.
I pulled up the website 3 different times and watched the video of this week's flavors. This is food fondling and has always led to cookies, always. My lower brain knows this and so it runs thoughts like, "Hey, just look and see what the flavors are." When I was pulling up the website I could hear my higher brain say, “Don’t do this, Wen. You know what’s coming.” And so the chatter goes.
The website is like food porn. When I watch the images, my desire grows exponentially.
I had thoughts like
It’s no big deal
It was a long day at work
I love these cookies, they're my splurge
This could end right now, the solution is so easy
Just do this already
Anxious, like I wanted to close a loop
Like I wanted to stay on auto pilot
Foggy, like I was on a conveyor belt at the airport
Wound up, I couldn’t just relax
Tense, like I needed relief
Urgent, like a pressure building
It sounds like I'm considering meth.
Allowing the Urge for 2 hours
This is actually my B- version of allowing, which, apparently is all I needed. I went back and forth. I allowed the urge and let it be with me. This looked like a bunch of self-talk like, "of course I would love Crumble right now and that's okay." I also checked in with my body and did a scan. I could feel a tightness in my chest and my body felt kind of jumpy, like it was ready to do something athletic.
Then I would vacillate back to white-knuckling, which led to looking at the website again. Then I would shift to allowing the urge and it would lessen a bit. I would go back to what I was working on (ironically, a blog on allowing) and the desire would begin to grow again. Even when I went to bed I still felt a bit edgy, like I hadn't taken care of something.
This is the first time I have pulled up the website and not ordered cookies.
Let me skip ahead to the part where it feels amazing. The next morning I woke up at 4:09 and felt "high on life” to use a 70's term. My body felt great, light and agile, no sugar hangover. Even better, my mind felt buoyant, no baggage, just clear. Most importantly, I had begun to cut a path through the jungle with a machete, the amazing path to no cookies. I can see it just well enough to take it again. In my brain, the path to Crumbl is paved and plowed like the Jordan River Parkway, but I know which I will travel next. This path will take some work to enlarge and let my brain know this is the new way. But this is totally work worth doing. This is the work that aligns with who I am becoming. Hello, Gigi!